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12:51am 19/12/2004
  Wounds bleed after reopening,
veins tingle through my wrist.
My death is now impending,
because we can not coexist.

With no more antidepressants,
I bought a gun but not a knife.
Fucking up through adolescence,
I know a gun kills more precise.

Sitting all alone at my computer,
the gun lay aside my throat.
Submitting to my only shooter,
I leave you this suicide note.

bye		  
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07:01pm 20/11/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: mannaray
slit my throat and slice my wrists...and while your at it, rip my heart out.		  
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10:21pm 31/10/2004
 
mood: depressed
...the end.		  
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03:19pm 19/09/2004
 
mood: accomplished
Name: Peter
Nicknames: Pete,Petey,Petey-pie,Pito,Brody,Boynton,Bud…theres more
Birth date: 9/6/85
Birthplace: Downingtown,Penn
Current Location: San Jose, CA
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: brown, and a bunch of red hairs if you look close enough
Height: 5'7"?(ithink)
Righty or Lefty: dominantly my right, but I like to use my left.
Zodiac Sign: virgo
Your heritage: Chinese, Indonesian, Irish, Scotish
Shoe size: 8-9.5 what ever shoe I feel like wearing
Parents still together? yup
Siblings? older sister and brother
Kids of your own? Yes..i mean no
Pets? Not anymore:(
In school/graduated? deanza

Clothes you wore today: red flogging molly shirt, blue dickies, white socks and good ‘ol abercrombie boxers
Jewelry you wore today: nothing
The shoes you wore today: none
Clothes you're wearing right NOW: same
Your weakness: a girl, my muscles are week, putting myself down, peer pressure(not anymore), cute little puppies begging me to hold them
Your fears: waves crashing on me, sharks, prison, embarassment
Your perfect pizza: pepperoni and olive(lots) or pinapple w/ stuff yum!
Your most overused phrase: you’re the worst!, your mom!
Your thoughts first waking up: ..
Your best physical feature: don’t have any
Your bedtime: when I feel tired
Your most missed memory: times before stupid wyoming
Your best friends: blah..
Pepsi or Coke: pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: fast food is good, I have no preference
Single or group dating: single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton Brisk
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: caramel somethin-a-ruther, the one that has chocolate in it and stuff
Smoke: a little in wyoming, but I was stupid
Swear: sometimes don’t really like the f word and I never really say the b word. I do a lot when I play hockey:)
Sing: to myself, if I’m driving somewhere, showering, or just bored
Take a shower: yup, long ones
Have a crush: yupyup
Want to go to college/university: definatly
Like(d) high school: no not really, except near the end
Want to get married: yea
Believe in yourself: usually not
Get motion sickness: no
Think you're attractive: to me I think I’m the hottest guy in the world, but I’m lying to myself.
Think you're a health freak: no
Get along with your parent(s): I do now
Like thunderstorms: yup
Play an instrument: No but I wish I did
Drink alcohol: did in stupid wyoming
Smoked: cigarettes in stupid wyoming
Done a drug: no, never touched weed or another drug
Had Sex: ..
Gone on a date: yup, but still need to do it more often
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope, but ate enough to turn my poo blackish
Eaten sushi: yup, didn’t used to like it but I’ve eatten it so many times I kinda like it
Been on stage: yup, I used to like plays
Been dumped: yea
Dumped someone: yea
Gone skating: yesss
Made homemade cookies: yup, oatmeal raisan, always the best.
Gone skinny dipping: in my spa when I lived in socal, lasted all of 5 seconds
Dyed your hair: I’ve had it:plain bleached, and bleach with other colors like orange, green, blue, red, tiger strips, leopard spots, think there were more oh well
Stolen anything: took a key chain from mervyns when I was in socal, and returned it, and theres other stuff….
Played a game that required removal of clothing: nope
If so, was it mixed company:
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: once, wyoming
Been caught "doing something": …nnnoooo
Been called a tease: nope
Gotten beaten up: nope
Shoplifted: time at meryvns and uh yea..
Changed who you were to fit in: yes and I regret doing it
Age you hope to be married: anytime after I have somewhat of a stable job.
Numbers and Names of Children: probably 2 or 3, I’ll refer to them as numbers
Describe your dream wedding: marring someone I love
How do you want to die: peacefully I guess
Where you want to go to college: havent decided yet. Most likely somewhere in califonia
What do you want to be when you grow up: a good father whose there for his kids, someone is is happy with who they are, a good loving husband, and someone who is sucessful at the work they do.
Where would you most like to visit: don’t know…anywhere but wyoming

In a girl/guy ....

Best eye color?: doesn’t matter
Best hair color?: doesn’t matter
Short or long hair: prefer longer but it doesn’t matter
Height: prefer shorter than I am
Best weight/body type: definatly more than skin and bones
First date location: anywhere
First kiss location: anywhere


# of drugs taken illegally: 0
# of people I could trust: less than 10?
# of times I've been in love: real love? 1
# of hearts I've broken: a lot
# of times I've intentionally harmed myself: 0
# of times a week I work out: 0
# of CDs that I own: someone gave me a lot of homemade cds, but I never really have anywhere to listen to them.
# of piercings: had 1, but now its gone
# of tattoos: 0, I like them but nothing ever means enough
# of scars on my body: I dunno
# of things in my past that I regret: to many
Who is the most like you?: probably my bro but we have a lot of differences too
Do you have a bf/gf?: unfortunatly no
If so, who?: blah
If not, do you have a crush?: yea
If so, who?
If you could kiss one famous >MUSICIAN< who would it be and why?: lizzy miguire is a muscisian now adays right? J/k
If you could kiss one famous >ACTOR< who would it be and why?: That one girl who played Michelle on full house…what?!..theres two of them! Sweeet!
If youre single, why do you think you are?: I’m an idiot
What was your longest relationship?: Sharon. Too short of time.
Shortest: One of those girls who works at the Elephant Bar now. Lasted couple days at school. Or Valerie.
Who was your first love (if you've had one?): first true love: Sharon.
Do you miss them (if your not still together?): yup
First kiss: my mommy kissed me when I was born
Most recent kiss: Sharon
Who is one person you've liked but >NEVER< said a thing?I dunno
If you could take back one thing you did, what would it be and why?: I wish I didn’t go to wyoming
Do you have any regrets?: maybe
Last thing you said: out loud? “whats that smell?”
Last song you heard: song from the matrix
Last person you talked to: mom
If you could get back together with an ex, who would it be and why?:sharon

Favorite:

Color: yelloow
Number: 86
Animal: puppies
Vehicle: my truck
Flower: don’t have one, I like a lot of tropical ones
Scent: garlic if its food, but don’t really like too much of a scent on anyone bath and body works scents:)
Book: euhh…a few
Band: sublime, pepper, beach boys on occasion, no doubts old stuff but I don’t know if I really have a favorite.
Song Of all time: I like hoobastanks song the reason but of all time I don’t know.

Do you…

Color your hair? nope
Twirl your hair? Nope
Have tattoos? Nope, I like them so much though
Piercings? Nope
Cheat on tests/homework? Used too
Drink/Smoke? Used too
Like roller coasters? Yup they’re fun
Wish you could live somewhere else? yes
Want more piercings? I wish I had a whole bunch.
Like cleaning? Sometimes, usually do when I’m mad
Write in cursive or print? I mix it up, my print sometimes looks like cursive
Carry a donor card? nope
Own a web cam? nope
Know how to drive? yup
Diet? Nope
Ever get off the damn computer? Yup, more so because of tendonits in my wrists
Go to or plan to go to college? yeah
Wear hats? sometime
Hate yourself? I’m disgusted with myself


Have you ever…

Been in a wreck? A few, I wasnt driving
Been arrested? ..
Been in a fist fight? no
Kicked someone in the nuts? no
Stolen anything? ..
Held a gun? A few time, but don’t really feel comfortable
Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? nope
Considered a life of crime? nope
Been married? nope
Cried over a guy/girl? Yea, lots
Been in love? Yup
Been rejected? yup
Been in lust? :)
Been used? dunno

Current…

Mood: sick
Music: silence
Taste: garlic bread and hashbrowns(breakfast)
Hair: gross, greasy and messy
Annoyance: depression from obvious reasons
Smell: can’t smell. My nose stuffed
Thing I ought to be doing: getting my life together
Windows open: none
CDs in stereo: no stereo
Hate: things I’ve done in the past
Job: hopefully barnes and nobles soon.

The last…
Book you read: reading the power and the glory
Thing you had to drink: water at sharons house,whoa that was a while ago, now I’m thirsty
Thing you ate: 3 pieces of garlic bread and 2 hashbrown things
Person you talked to on the phone: sharon
Dream: just memories that make me sad

Beliefs

Believe there is life on other planets? Most likely
Believe in miracles? I belive in miracle whip
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? yea
Consider yourself tolerant of others? yup
Consider love a mistake? no
Believe in astrology? No
Believe in magic? No I like it though
Believe in God: think bout it and I still don’t know.		  
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toby farts a lot. my nose is stuffed, i can't smell.   
01:27pm 19/09/2004
 
mood: dirty
music: my dad watching the ryder cup
I often envy those who are more intelligent than I am. I always feel as though I am wandering aimlessly trying to get to some conclusion when problems arise. I wish I could apprehend everything that was thrown at me but I feel like shit in the brain. I wish I was more intelligent then maybe I could understand things.

I detest the rain right now. I love rain but right now it’s making me think of Wyoming. The frigidity is not as harsh but its still cold….hehe, “frigidity” is a funny sounding word, say it 3 times fast:) (okay my mind is somewhere else)

So I’m coughing a lot today. I’m not quite sure why. I’ve been getting better and better ‘till now. I’m to the point where I think it's something mental. I’ve finished numerous bags of halls, Nyquil bottle and was almost done with Dayquil. That’s when I decided to go to a doctor. I’m done with the antibiotics and almost done with the cough med. Am I gonna die? Maybe wont be so bad eh? j/k

Guess what?…I get to play hockey today:) I haven’t gotten to play in like 7 or 8 months. I’ll b rusty but “oh well” ;) Pete + ice hockey = funnesssswwwaaaahhooootttimes!!!

Quiero escribir en el espanol, pero es muy dificil de hacer. necesito practicar mas. hace sol pero hay nubes gris/negros. llovio por la manana. Peter es el major:)
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12:11am 17/09/2004
 
mood: loved
WHO TAKES PICTURES OF THEIR FEET?!		  
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so cal   
10:09am 08/09/2004
  here in orange county. visiting my aunt and uncle and their dogs:) going to visit my sis in sand diego today..i'm excited! i love california. We drove along the coast and there was all this wild life..sea otters, whales... oh yea little surf spots here and there. oh well......sigh..  
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On my bday..   
10:06am 08/09/2004
 
mood: blah
ate lunch. dad took me to play golf....blah		  
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10:03am 08/09/2004
 
mood: jealous, confused, lonely
:(		  
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So Cal   
11:39am 06/09/2004
 
mood: anxious
I cant wait to go down south. get to see my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my sis. wahooo!! Were gona spend a lot of time in san diego and probably a lot of time in a place called coranado. I hope my sis gets to visit us. I havent seen her in forever. She lives 5 miles away from tijuana but i think shes gonna move again.
Then were going to go to orange county and visit my aunt and uncle and grandparents. were going to celebrate my grandpa's bday. i miss orange county:( but oh well.		  
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bllllarrrg! x 10   
11:27am 06/09/2004
 
mood: crappy
music: jack johnson
so yesterday i watched Step into Liquid with my family. There was a kelly slater game that came with it but i cant play it becuse i dont have the vid card or whatever yargg!
well i'm sick. dont feel sick except every once in a while a cough.
Its weird..i've slep well but just didnt have nice dreams. i mean, i still woke up a couple times in the last 2 nights. but i havent been up during the night too long like i usually am. but i still wake up early in the morning with my head turned toward some picture. but i dont want to take the picture down...but maybe I should.
i woke up early this morning and I just feel crapy today and i dont think that me dropping my danish right now helps. d@mn...i dropped my danish. and now theres stuff on it. i'm gonna remember this day forever. my day ..the day i droped my danish and got crap on it.

Happy BDay Mr.Walters, Justin and Janeille Burton.		  
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happy bday to me   
11:16pm 04/09/2004
 
mood: absentminded
music: crickets singing me to sleep...will they ever stop? :)
Today Sharon and I went to Santa Cruz and passed through SF (Daly city). The sun was shining brightly and would have been a perfect day if we decided to go on the beach. But anyways, on the way back we decided to visit Brian Demp’ s grave. I haven’t seen it and I thought it was definitely an awesome location. I just felt as though his grave needed something...there’s a cement block with a hole in it and his laminated paper nameplate is ripped and pealing off. I think next time I take a trip down there I’ll actually get him flowers or maybe something else. After that we went to the Prunyard. Ate at el Burro and then watched the Garden State. It was a good movie, just sad. Not because it was actually sad but because it was, in a chick flick manner, “cute". Did I cry? Of course...like a running faucet. Blllargg.
Today was fun (thank you again) but depressing at the same time. I'm glad I got to spend time with her but all I could think about was the inevitable, how the day was going to end. I truly wish the day never ended. My ineffectual effort to prolong the day only added to me feeling like $hit.
But of course the sun is down, my bed has called me, and hours will pass as I stare at the ceiling in disarray, which, in turn, indicates that Pete’s day is now over. FU©K!

Good Night.



Remember that time when…nm		  
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onomatopoeia ride   
09:55pm 03/09/2004
  tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick .....tick, tick..t-i-ck, woooshh.. sssccwooooorrroooaarr.........peeeeiissss fonk squirt "uh oh" -SPLAT!!  
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09:37am 30/08/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: something by thrice
So everybody probably knows I did something wrong and they can just hear the explanation from someone besides myself. I did something that I truly regret. My conscience was gone and in a way I'm glad there's gonna be a stop to this. I have too much to loose. a family that loves me and so much more I need to see in the world. I've already signed up for school and now I'm going to get job someplace. Times are definitely difficult but I'm gonna to keep my chin up, and get back on track.
Jail sucks monkey balls. There were people there who were coke, crack and potheads, battery charges, weapons with the intent charges and then there was me for other stuff. My cell mate was moved into my cell after someone pissed on his sheets in his previous cell. nice stuff!! People were saying you get used to it but I know I never will. I would do anything to not go to jail.
I've been thinking bout selling my truck which sucks but I think it'd b for the best.
I wish I read LJ more. Then maybe I'd actually know what was happening. Sharon and I had a big talk and the more I think about it and the more I read LJ, I get more mad. I messed up and she messed up, but I already came to a conclusion. That I can stop and that I will stop, this is only a turning point in my life to say get off your lazy butt and do something.... For now, I am trusting Sharon and if we stay together then I don't think she'd do anything like what she did again. I'm disappointed at her but I know she's disappointed at me.
Sharon is a beautiful, intelligent young woman with a personality that'll knock your socks off:) I know that she's smart enough to make the right decisions in her life.
If that means that I'm no longer in her life than so be it. I'll be upset and wouldn't know what to do with myself but the outcome is, is that she's happy and hopefully with someone that will love her as much as I do.

But just think. When were away from each other we do things that are highly unlike ourselves.

Right now I feel like I want to explode. Questions dwell in my mind about this and that. My bro a psychology major tells me I'm getting depressed. my dad told me I'm getting depressed. I really hope I don't get depressed to the point where I do something even more stupid. I felt depressed when I was in Laramie and now that I'm back its sad that I do feel even more depressed. Like I said its time to change my life around. pay more attention to those people around me. This is definitely not the end of the world. Lets say I never know the out come until a year from now. It may seem like forever, waiting and sentencing may seem like eternity but in all reality it is only a year and a bit even 2 years of your life is nothing when you look at the grand scheme of things. plus I'm a better person than I was in Laramie with those MF of a roommate and his friends (not bob).

I love her so much and I don't want to loose her. What the hell do I do?


Sharon's other friend: I have nothing against you. I had a little against you and then I didn't mind you. of course I was upset that you guys were hanging out but she does what she wants. And like I said, I have nothing against you.		  
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sad   
09:00am 26/08/2004
  sharons been away at camp forever! and her phone is off or out of batteries or shes avoiding me.... :(  
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11:20pm 28/06/2004
  Brian, you were a great friend and i'm going to miss you.  
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11:14pm 28/06/2004
  got my lip pierced, i miss home, i miss sharon, i miss the beach. i miss pooing in california.  
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08:04pm 07/03/2004
  yaaahhoooo i got a george forman grill thing:)  
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poo   
12:44am 07/03/2004
 
mood: tired
music: silence
snow boarding is so fun! hockey is so fun!
I've been snowboarding in the last month or so a whole bunch of times. I went today with sharon and her brother. I fell so bad this one time. there was a hill then a long flat flat straight away and sharons bro said i had to go really fast to keep going. so i went as fast as i could, way too fast. i was slowing myself down, then some more and then boom! i caught an edge. it sucked so much. i tumbled and rolled and rolled. now my whole body hurts.
well then we went some more and then went home to davis, then back to san jose. Then i slept for less than half an hour, ate then went to hockey. we lost again!thats a surprise. but i still scored and got an assist:) gotta keep my bro from catching up to me:) he got a goal and assist too, but i still lead the team in both muuhhaaahhaha.
there was this nasty russian lady on the team. she was good i'd i heard that she was good before the game but she was just so narsty. her teeth were all jacked and she had a voice that lower than barry white. she was asking if i was gonna play next season in the same league and so she could play againts me and she was giggling(sounded more like she was chocking on a chicken bone)...but yea she was a good player...but dang girl u need to fix yourself(ghettosness)
wow its fun to write alot.
pooooopppieefart		  
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01:31pm 30/01/2004
  found this  
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peteboy
 
 
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